A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
car breaks down.  They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a
minor problem.

PRIEST:  Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.  I'll
sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER:  I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...

SISTER:  Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST:  Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST:  Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER:  Father, I'm still terribly cold.  I don't think the Lord would
mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST:  You're probably right...

               ...Get up and get your own damn blanket!

[Excerpt from Dave Barry's "retrospective" of the 1990s,
which appeared in the January 3 issue of Newsweek.]

The Information Superhighway was pretty much of a dud.  Remember that?  By
the mid-'90s, just about everybody was hooked up to the vast international
computer network, exchanging vast quantities of information at high speeds
via modems and fiber-optic cable with everybody else.  The problem, of
course, was that even though the information was coming a lot faster, the
vast majority of it, having originated with human beings, was still wrong.
Eventually people realized that the Information Superhighway was
essentially CB radio, but with more typing.  By late in the decade millions
of Americans had abandoned their computers and turned to the immensely
popular new VirtuLib 2000, a $14,000 device that enables the user to
experience, with uncanny realism, the sensation of READING A BOOK.

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying
in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps
cranking out.
 
AVERAGE:
        Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
        Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
        Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
        Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
        Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
        Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
        Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
        Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
        Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
        Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
        A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
        Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
        Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
        Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
        Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
        Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
        Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
        Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
        A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
        Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
        Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
        A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
        Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
        Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
        A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
        Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
        Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
        Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
        An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
        Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
        Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
        Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
        Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
        Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
        Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
        Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
        Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
        Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
        Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
        Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
        Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
        Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Real Engineers....

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.

Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish;
they just never remove it.

Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta
release schedule.

Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but
they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.

Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for
Christmas, but use them more than he does.

Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but
to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart. 

Real engineers don't shave their legs above the hemline, in the
interest of efficiency.

Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles
so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.

Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box
of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses
at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.

Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.

Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so
she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while
programming.

Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicoria's Secrest because
they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras
before buying them.

Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because
its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement
tools in their science kits.

Real Engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.

Real Engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the
same time.

Real Engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.

Real Engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when
doing counted cross stitch.

Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on
even during labor.

Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up
on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking
the PE exam.

Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.

Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.

Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor
between contractions.

Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide
documentation on how to cut them!)

Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; they'd like to,
but they can't!

Source: David Letterman

	Real reasons Les Aspin is leaving

10.  Kept calling Clinton "President Bubba"
9.   The nation's defense secretary shouldn't be scared to death of spiders.
8.   One word: Amway.
7.   Said he was "tired of hanging with a bunch of losers"
6.   Don't ask, don't tell
5.   Guilty admission that he'd stolen a hundred pairs of Clinton's shoes
4.   Seeing "Mrs. Doubtfire" made him aware of life options he never knew existed
3.   Started every cabinet meeting by yelling, "Let's bomb the crap out of Canada!"
2.   He and Lorena are gonna try it again
1.   Offered more money by CBS  

The National Rifle Association's Good Neighbor Award for 1993 went to
the thoughtful Mark Jones, who had the foresight to put a silencer on
his M111 assault rifle when the rabbit he was hunting ran into the local
library.  Good job Mark!

David Letterman (December 3, 1993)

	Top 10 good things about marrying Tom and Roseanne

10.  Guaranteed spot on "Geraldo"
9.   In family Christmas Card photo, you'll always be at the top of the pyramid
8.   Two words: engagement tattoo
7.   You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
6.   They're really rich
5.   On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
4.   Finally satisfy your family who's been nagging you to settle down
     with some nice man and woman
3.   Your very own 5-inch section of the bed
2.   When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
1.   No leftover wedding cake

Source: David Letterman (Dec 20, 1993)

	Top 10 signs you bought a bad Christmas tree

10. Two feet tall, 40 feet wide
9.  Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8.  It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck in it
7.  While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family Caravan for a joy ride.
6.  Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
5.  Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame Top 10 list
4.  It's very small and says "air freshener" on it
3.  Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
2.  Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on it
1.  Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

From a local morning radio show in Cleveland:

Hey, I hear they're going to make the whole thing with Bobbitt into
a made-for-TV movie.

What are they going to call it?

        Indecent Disposal?
        Loretta Scissorhands?
        Cocktail?
        Save Willy?

Source: News of the Weird by Chuck Shephard

In April, Della Dobbs, 31, the woman police called "the snow queen" was
arrested for theft in Stevens Point, Wis.  According to police, she
twice met men in bars, took them outside to her pickup truck to have sex,
and convinced them to take off their clothes, get out and rub snow on
themselves as foreplay.   She then drove off with their wallets.

Source:  The Independent Magazine (1 Jan 1994)

Police, the journal of the boys in blue, reported that a suspicious-looking
cardboard box had been found outside a Territorial Army centre in Bristol.
The TA called the police, who called in Army bomb disposal unit, which
blew the box up -- to discover it was full of leaflets on how to deal with
suspicious-looking packages.

                          Managed Caring ™
                      By Richard Liebmann-Smith
               (An editor of American Health Magazine.)
   
        Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about
    friendship.  The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages
    of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving
    features.
   
    - How does it work ?
   
        Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of
    pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers.  All of your friendship
    needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
   
    - What's wrong with my friends ?
   
        If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship
    Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together
    based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school  The result is
    costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict.  Some Providers may not
    meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate,
    outmoded, or experimental behavior.  Under Managed Caring(tm), your
    friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who
    Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.
   
    - How do I know these aren't just a bunch of losers who can't make
    friends on their own ?
   
        Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship
    Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering quality
    Caring(tm) in a cost-effective way.  They have joined our network
    because they want to focus on Caring(tm) for you rather than devoting
    their resources to the paperwork and high Bad Friendship premiums that
    have sent the cost of traditional Friendship Delivery system
    skyrocketing.  Our Friendship providers have met our rigorous standards
    of loyalty.
   
    - What if I need a Special Friend, say for poker or fishing ?
   
        Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary
    Friendship Procedures that have sent the cost of the traditional
    Friendship Delivery system skyrocketing.  By training, experience, and
    by virtue of knowing you for what you really are, your Best Friend is
    qualified to refer you to a Special Friend within the Managed
    Caring(tm) network should your needs fall outside the scope of his or
    her excellent training.
   
    - Suppose I want to see friends outside the Managed Caring(tm)
    network?  Can my Best Friend ever refer me to them ?
   
        No.  The only time you can see a Friendship Provider without first
    consulting your Best Friend is in the event of a Friendship Emergency.
   
    - What's that ?
   
        The Managed Caring(tm) Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours
    a day, 365 days a year anywhere in the world, even if you need a
    friend out of town, after business hours, or when your Best Friend is
    Caring(tm) for someone else.  You may be on a business trip and find
    yourself lonely.  In such a case, you may make a New Friend, and all
    appropriate Friendship Procedures delivered in this Emergency
    Friendship will be covered under the plan, provided you notify us
    within two business days.
   
    - What Friendship Procedures are covered under the Plan ?
   
        Typical Friendship Procedures covered include (but are not limited
    to): Chewing the fat, slinging the bull, shooting the breeze, hanging
    out, checking in, cheering up, kidding around, dropping over,
    partying, moaning, gossiping, joshing, ribbing, holding your hand,
    patting your back.
   
    - Are any Friendship Procedures not covered under the Plan ?
   
        Yes.  Ineligible services include (but are not limited to):
    drinking in excess of six ounces of alcoholic beverages, lending sums
    in excess of $5, going the extra mile, exchanging ethnic or dirty
    jokes, and sex.
   
    - How can I find out if the Friendship Procedure I need is covered ?
   
        If you need a Friendship Procedure, call the toll-free number on
    your Managed Caring(tm) I.D. card to arrange for precertification of
    the proposed Procedure.  All appropriate Procedures will be approved
    for coverage within 24 business hours.
   
    - But who decides what's appropriate for me ?
   
        We do.  Isn't that what friends are for ?

 Source: Murray Gell-mann in the New York Times
 
  The Feynman problem solving algorithm 
   1) Write down the problem
   2) Think real hard
   3) Write down the answer

Translation of an email message follows.

Actual message:
  

     - THE net sites experienced network wide routing trouble beginning
     - shortly after 0900 Wed, Jan 26 1994.  The trouble was related to new
     - software installed by Sesquinet at the Rice point of presence and
     - affected all external routing in Texas.  The problem was cleared by
     - re-installing the previous software load at about 1130.
     - 
     - We regret the inconvenience caused by this outage.
     - 
     - 
     - Jeff Hayward
  

Translation (by Mike McNally m5@tivoli.com):

 > TheE net sites experienced network wide routing trouble
THE NETWORK WAS COMPLETELY HOSED

 > beginning shortly after 0900 Wed, Jan 26 1994.
STARTING AT EXACTLY 9 AM TODAY

 > The trouble was related to new software
NEW UNTESTED SOFTWARE TURNED OUT TO BE WORTHLESS JUNK

 > installed by Sesquinet at the Rice
AND WE WERE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO INSTALL IT

 > point of presence and affected all external routing in Texas.
SO THE NETWORK WAS COMPLETELY HOSED

 > The problem was cleared by re-installing the previous software
 > load at about 1130.
WE JUNKED THE NEW STUFF AND REBOOTED AS SOON AS WE FOUND THE BACKUP TAPES.

 > We regret the inconvenience caused by this outage.
I AM ABOUT TO BE BEATEN SENSELESS BY MY SUPERIORS.  PRAY FOR ME.

Subject: Signs of the times

    The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.

At a Santa Fe gas station:   
    We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:     
    Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. 
                               --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 
    38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall:  
    Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
	
On a movie theater:  
    Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted unless with child.

In a Florida maternity ward:  
    No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company:   
    Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building:      
    Mental Health Prevention Center

In a toy department:   
    Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!

On a New York convalescent home:   
    For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

At a number of military bases:
    Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards:   
    Now available in multi-packs.

On a shopping mall marquee:  
    Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop:      
    We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store:    
    Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: 
    Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant:   
    Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight.

In the vestry of a New England church: 
    Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:   
    Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school:   
    No tresspassing without permission.

In a library: 
    Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:    
    If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says:
    "Do not throw stones at this sign."